Jacob vs Edward
by heyElly
Summary: arguments.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey Ed!"

"…"

"_Ed_."

"…"

"Ed? Answer me!"

"Jacob, may I ask you who you're trying to talk to? Didn't your imaginary friend quit because you talked his ear off?"

"Dude, not funny. You know I'm talking to you."

"You can't be, my name's not Ed."

"Fine, _Edward_. Gosh, you're such a pain in the butt."

"You're one to talk. I mean really, you come over here every day and bug the crap out of everybody you can."

"I'm invited here."

"Pshaw, by who? I really thought your imaginary friend quit."

"Dude he didn't quit, I just haven't talked to him in, like, a week. I swear, he's coming back, just you wait and see."

"Um, Jacob, two things wrong with that sentence. 1. I won't actually _see_ him. And 2, why on earth would I want to wait for anything if it involves spending unnecessary time with _you_?"

"Whoa, you don't see him? I thought you had that freaking awesome eyesight that you could see like _everything_, even, like people's boxers, which I have to say, that's _really _creepy."

"No, Jacob, I can't see him, and why on earth would you think I could see boxers?"

"Wait, you can't see my boxers? So I haven't worn my ducky ones in a month for _nothing_?"

"No Jacob, I can't see boxers, but I really think you shouldn't be wearing those boxers anyway."

"But, dude, they're soooo cool, and sometimes I make them quack! It's so much fun, you should try it."

"Sure Jacob, I'll get right on that."

"Cool, I'll even give you a pair of mine. You'll love 'em!"

"Jacob, I don't want your boxers."

"Dude, it's okay, I have like, five pairs, and I've only peed in these ones like, twice."

"Jacob, I can't count all the ways that's unhygienic."

"You know what we could do? We could swap! I take a pair of yours, you'll get mine!"

"Jacob, will you please go."

"Yeah, you're right. I should go get my boxers! Okay Ed, I'll be right back."

"_Jacob!_"


	2. Chapter 2

"Dude, I think they're something wrong wit your boxers."

"Why do you think that?"

"Well, you know how we said we'd swap boxers? Well yeah, I kinda got yours, and they're not even yellow! You really should get that checked out."

"Jacob, that's how they're supposed to look."

"Nuh-ugh. Mine are always yellow, plus yours smelled good!"

"Jacob, most people use the toilet when they have to go, and then they wash their boxers."

"Hummm… I don't think that's right."

"Jacob, I really don't understand how on earth my daughter could have fell in love with such an idiot!"

"Come on, you know you love me. I mean, what's not to love?"

"Hummm…, Let's see. 1. You smell. 2. You tried to steal the love of my life. 3. You are my mortal enemy, 4. You are currently with my daughter. Would you like me to continue?"

"Okay, you don't have to be such a sour pants, and I really think you're just jealous about the whole 'mortal enemy' thing. I mean, I would be too, if I couldn't turn into an amazing wolf."

"Jacob, I am not jealous you can turn into a giant flea bag."

"You keep telling yourself that."

"You can leave now."

"Nessy asked me over."

"Please just stop there"

"Why?"

"Um, because she's my daughter?"

"Yeah, and she's really hot."

"You're drooling, mutt."

"You know we tell each other everything, and she thinks you should be nicer to me."

"Really?"

"Sorta, I mean, when I tell her about you she shakes her head and says sorry."

"I'm not sure that's the same thing."

"Sure it is."

"Whatever, Jacob"

"You know it is."

"Good bye, Jacob."

"What why?"

"Because, I don't like you."

"Dude, you know you like me, admit it."

"Jacob, I don't like you and never will, so will you just leave?"

"Fine, but one day you'll just have to admit you like me, and I'll be right here when that happens."

"Goodbye, Jacob."


	3. Chapter 3

"Jacob I was thinking about what you said, about you and Renesme."

"You've finally accepted it?"

"No, nor do I comprehend it."

"That sucks, I thought you were really smart."

"The smartest man alive couldn't figure that out."

"Well, then I guess it doesn't damage your rep, since you're not really a man or alive."

"Anyway, I was wondering-"

"Wait, you're asking me a question that isn't to make fun of me?"

"Sort of, I guess. So anyway-"

"Dude that's so cool, I knew you thought I was smart."

"No, not really, I was just curious, can I go on now?"

"Just one second."

"Why?"

"I really want to savor this moment."

"Anyway, were you telling the truth about telling each other everything?"

"Yeah why?"

"I just wanted to know how you told her about making-out with her mother?"

"Oh, that."

"What, you told her, right?"

"Well not really."

"Well, then this should be fun."

"What?"

"Hay Nessy?"

"Oh, God no. Ed, don't"

"Nessy?"

"Yeah, daddy?"

"Can you come here for a second?"

"What do you need?"

"Jacob needs to tell you something."

"Yeah, Jake?"

"Um, yeah, well your _father_ thinks that it's important I tell you about your mom and me."

"Jacob, first, may I tell you I will enjoy this completely?"

"Yeah, so Ness, once upon a time."

(laughing from Edward)

"Well before you were born, I kinda had this thing with your mom."

"What."

"Yeah, I really liked her, she was really hot."

"Oh my god."

-Edward "Go on Jacob"

"I may have kissed her a couple of times."

"_WHAT! YOU MADE OUT WITH MY MOM?"_

"Yeah, but then I imprinted, so it's okay now."

"So you mean, if I wasn't born, you'd still try to make out with her?"

"Yeah probably, so?

"Jacob, get out."

-Edward "See Jacob, I knew if you told her the truth, she'd agree with the rest of us."

"Ed, I really hate you."

"You too buddy, you too."

"A lot."

"You heard the lady, you, can leave now."

"Fine, but you know you'll miss me."

"Just as much as I miss James."


End file.
